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If, over the past several posts, you've realized that you may be have some issues with aggression, here are a few tips to help you reduce the amount of aggression you show in your life. These tips revolve around changing your thinking so that you're less likely to feel emotions such as anger, and are therefore less likely to have the urge to behave in aggressive manners. I can pretty much guarantee you that these will feel extremely uncomfortable the first several times your attempt them. However, as with anything else in life, the more you do it, the more comfortable it becomes. My hope is that you'll get to a place in your life when these sorts of responses and considerations will be second nature instead of being forced and heavily calculated. There are a couple of examples at the end of this post to help illustrate what this transition away from aggressive behavior could play out.
1. Address and Accept ALL of Your Emotions--Not Just Anger
As we've discussed, the root of our anger and aggressive behavior is often some other, more vulnerable emotion. When you find yourself about to tell somebody off, threaten someone, or express your anger in some unhealthy way, try being honest with yourself about what's underneath your anger. When you feel your blood pressure rising, your heart rate increasing, or you hands forming in fists, soothe yourself by reminding yourself that it's okay to feel angry, but also know it's completely normal, healthy, and acceptable to feel sad, disrespected, confused, anxious, hurt, or any other emotion that may be hiding under the anger. Then, be honest with the other person about what you
2. Consider the Other Person
Sometimes we are aggressive towards other people because we're more concerned about our needs being met than about what they might be going through. Take a step back and try to think about how you would feel if someone yelled at, insulted, or hit you. Do your children see how you treat your wife? What are they learning about relationships when they see you push your best friend? What do your co-workers learn about you when they see how you treat your interns? On top of consider the person who usually directly receives your ire, take into consideration the people who are indirectly effected as well.
3. Apologize
This is a difficult feat to accomplish for people without aggression issues, so for people who are struggling with being less aggressive, apologizing to someone for aggressive behavior can seem like climbing Mount Everest. However, this is part of the process of changing your mindset from thinking that aggressive behavior is an acceptable, helpful way to behave to viewing as something that is worth apologizing for, just like stealing or lying. You don't necessarily have to go back ten years and address every person who has ever had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of your aggression. Just start with the last aggressive thing you remember doing. It could have been something like dressing down a co-worker in front of a client; yelling at your husband in front of your children; or reading your new girlfriend's diary without her permission. If you can work the first tip into your apology, that would be great. If you need further guidance on how to form a sincere-sounding apology, see the post on "The Anatomy of an Apology".
Examples
Stan and Christa
Stan and Christa are walking through the mall. Stan sees a woman he thinks he went to high school with. He's not certain because he and his old classmates would look a little different since they're all in their mid thirties now. He stares at her, and even as she passes, his gaze follows her for a moment before he begins looking forward again.
Christa, as aggressive as she is, may be primed and ready to spout off insults and accusations about Stan looking at this other woman. She would normally accuse him of wanting to be with another woman or of even cheating on her with other women at other times in their relationship.
But this time, Christa stops walking, takes a deep breath to calm herself down, and faces her husband.
"When you stare at other women, I feel inadequate and uncertain, as though you're looking at them because you're dissatisfied with being with me. It really hurts me and leads me to feel angry and frustrated and I wish you wouldn't do that."
*Notice that Christa doesn't completely ignore the angry feelings, she just makes sure to talk about the underlying feelings first. She doesn't blame or criticize, try to read Stan's mind or accuse him of anything, she just focuses on what is going on in her own heart and mind.
Gretchen and Dre
Gretchen and Dre are cousins. Gretchen just moved to the city Dre lives in. They met during family events like Christmas or vacations throughout their childhood, but they've been hanging out regularly for the past month. Gretchen has noticed that whenever she offers and opinion or voices a preference, Dre shoots the idea down with a flat "No" and makes the decision for the both of them regarding things like what movie to see or where to go on a day trip. Though Gretchen was beginning to develop the habit of remaining silent and just letting Dre make all the decisions for them, while they're walking around downtown one weekend, he says he's hungry and Gretchen immediately suggests the new Mediterranean restaurant just a couple of blocks away.
This time, before saying "No", Dre presses his lips together, stops walking, and turns to face Gretchen.
"When you suggest places for us to eat, I feel incompetent and irritated, but I don't really know why. I want you to feel comfortable making decisions and offering your input in our relationship. I'll try harder at not rejecting your suggestions so much."
*Note that Dre was honest about what he was feeling, even though he didn't have any idea where these emotions were coming from (like Christa thinking that Stan didn't want her as a partner anymore). Even if you have no idea why you feel certain emotions, being clear and honest about feeling them can help express them in a healthy, verbal manner so that you can your partner are on the same page about your relationship.
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